Are the terrible two's actually so terrible?

Are the terrible two’s actually so terrible or is your child struggling to find ways to express him/herself and become more independent?

Many of us fall into the trap of micro managing our children. We leave work and they become our new project. We monitor their every waking or sleeping moment busily comparing them against other children. We measure, weigh, log and buy baby books crammed full of advice without really consciously considering who the advice came from.

I recall personally being enamoured with Maria Montessori whose teaching methods I studied and qualified in over thirty years ago when I first became a mother. She was an interesting and formidable woman who was without doubt one of the most influential educators and philosophers. She spoke of the ‘absorbent mind.” Discussing how the first three years a child is like a sponge and that they learn during that time more than at any time in their lifetime. This seems true, however Maria had her own son, the result of a romance, however he was sent away to Foster care during his critical early years when Maria was heartbroken that her child’s father married someone else. Her choice was to continue to work and study and send her child away. Now I personally struggle with that decision albeit I wasn’t a mother in the 18 century, so I am hardly in a position to cast aspersions. Her advice on education is still sound today, and many schools and nurseries, including my own follow her principles. However, for me, discovering her personal experiences tainted my perspective as I then considered her lived experiences. Theory and practice are tow very different beasts. I recall her advising that children should sleep on a mattress on the floor so that they can easily get in and out of bed, creating freedom of choice. I followed this advice 31 years ago, till I learnt that her own child was not reunited with her till he was a teenager, and she obviously had no idea just how exhausting being a young sleep deprived mother with a toddler getting up whenever they fancied throughout the night actually is. So long story short, this is a small example and request for you to THINK about whose advice you are following or considering or quoting. Listen to your own instincts regarding your own child, they are always right.

That said, on the subject of right, there is no right. There are no child rearing facts and no rulebooks. There are simply behaviours and conversations that are either useful, or not useful. Although I have many years experience and understand toddlers remarkably well. I can assure you that only YOU are the expert on your child. I will be able to advise you based on my experiences and based on what has worked in the past. I will be able to reconnect you with your internal frame of reference that is far more accurate than any external opinions that only pull you away from your instincts. One size does not and cannot fit all as we are all individuals within our own relationships and family units. So that’s the good news, we are human beings not sheep so be kind to yourselves and don’t listen to ‘them’. Individually we share our lives together.

Many a conversation occurs over coffee with friends as we discuss the new ideas and new ‘norms’ that we are being convinced are true. Some of us enjoy these chats and others feel inadequate as there is usually the ‘Supermum’ who is equally super fit, super efficient whose kids are always spotless and obviously she bakes too. It is often then we try to hide our stained tee shirt and worn out face and skulk off home to watch CBeebies again. Or was that only me?

In these blogs I want you to start to celebrate your child making decisions. Celebrate their individuality and yours and realize that all this really isn’t a competition. Children need to start their journey into autonomous thinking at two (ish) and they need to be allowed to make decisions within safe parameters that you control.

Therefore give them alternative choices, “do you want to wear the green or the blue dress? Do you want tights or socks? Shall we do your hair in bunches or plaits. The point here is that YOU have decided that your child is getting dressed, but THEY can decided the what they get dressed in.

This can be expanded to “Do you want pizza or pasta?” “Would you like your bath now or after one more programme?” The point here is that YOU have decided, but they feel like they have choices. Try it.